Nov 15, 2010

Cheese/Where's My Slice?

this happened a few years ago
but I thought about it today...

I was working retail
for a major corporation.
I won't mention any names,
but it rhymes with CockBuster.
It was quite possibly
the worst job known to humankind.

that's being much too generous...
I'll just refer to it as
the "Blue and Gold Devil."

I'm sure you're thinking,
"Hey, movies! Cool! Right?"
Yeah, movies! Cool!
that part was awesome.
Dealing with the
dipshit dumbasses
that somehow manage
to eek out enough brain power
to drive themselves there...
different story.

As anyone who has worked
with the general public understands
some people are true winners.

Like this guy:

So I'm working at the video store
and we had just recently
raised the prices on a video game rental.
A "customoron" approaches
and sets a game on the counter.
I scan it and tell him the price.
He jumps back in aghast
(yeah, I threw an "aghast" in there
like old timey folk.),
flails his stubby limbs
and cries "What!?
Did the price go up or something?"

I reply,
"Yeah, they raised it about 50 cents."
He says,
"Well shouldn't they send me a letter
or have it posted in the newspaper
or something?"
I tell him, "Not as far as I know, sir."
to which he responds,
"Well why not, it's a free country isn't it?"


I am dumbfounded for a moment.
More than a moment.
How do you respond to such idiocy
without getting fired?
Eventually I said,
"Well it's your choice to rent the game or not."
He storms out the door saying
"Oh, I see, you're with THEM."

Apparently that extra 50 cents
was just too much for him.
I'm glad I no longer work retail.
Today's song is dedicated
to fucktards and assholes everywhere
who expect the world handed to them
on a shitty silver platter.

"It's been a long time
Now it's time to get your bubble burst
Things are bad enough in this world
Why do you have to make them worse?
Day after day, you just gotta get it

So sick and tired of your bitching and complaining
So long you've been oppressed while others lives are
Want reparations, you're needy and deserving
Can't understand why some are served while you're
doing the serving
Anything but responsibility

Where's my slice?
I want more than equal rights
I want everything for free!

You waste your time concerned with what others are
You want a revolution to start the tables turning
A demonstration to make a better nation
We'll spend the day protesting all the problems that
we're facing
Anything but face reality
Where's my slice...

Your brilliant theory
how the world owes you a living
You'll take away from others
the things they should be giving
They own the pie and you want your share
Whoever told you life was fair?
You were dealt your hand - now play it

Where's my slice..."

-"Cheese/Where's My Slice?" from Ribbed

Oct 16, 2010


I was driving around
the other day
and I came across
a homeless guy.
At least, I assumed
that he was homeless...
He was standing
in the street
with a sign
asking for money.

Let's just call him
"guy on the street"
for the time being.

So I feel bad for
people on the street
but I have a rule
that I never
give them money.

I tend to have
an abundance
of water bottles
in my car
at any given time.
(Perhaps I will explain
on another day.)

So this guy is standing
on the median
where I am sitting
at a red light
waiting to turn left.
He is right next
to my car
staring at me
doing his guilt trip thing
and it's working.

I lean over
and dig around
for a water bottle.
I can only find ones that
have been opened already.

Not wanting to tease
the poor guy,
I hand him
one of the bottles
with 3/4 of the water in it.

He reaches out for it,
but then he pauses
and says
"hey man,
I don't just take
I'm not homeless."


I guess I offended him.

Well, that's what he gets
for standing around
begging for money.

This song goes out
to all the
"people on the street."

I'm hobophobic, So what?
Scared of bums,
Not just because they stink bad
Not just because they're crackers
From drinking too much lysol

Let them be,
Just don't get fuckin' near me!
Scared of bums!

with microscopic bugs and
Endocrine systematic Doo Doo
Why don't they get a job?

Let them be,
Just don't get fuckin' near me!

-"Hobophobic" from Heavy Petting Zoo

Oct 10, 2010

Instant Crassic...

Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder.
Or something like that...

Well it's been about 10 months,
but I'm back!
I had expected to have
some 300 posts by now,
but shit happens.

I got caught up in some shenanigans
that prevented me from
reaching the blog-o-sphere.

Luckily I was able to escape...

I bet you didn't know
that I had such sick skills,

So let me catch you up
on everything that has happened
in the past 10 months-ish.

I graduated from college,
lost my job,
spent 3 weeks on unemployment,
got a new job w/o applying,
ok, that's a lie,
I applied back in February,
but they called me in September.

So technically,
I never had to search
for the 3 weeks
that I was unemployed.
Call it luck?
Call it karma?
(I put up with A LOT of bs
in my past 2 jobs.)
Either way,
for the first time
in a long time
I'm stoked.

I also know that
good things don't last.
So I'm going to enjoy this
while I can.

It's good to be back!

I'm swimming in a sea of pee
I'm hiking up a big mountain of poo
I feel like rolling in glass when I'm without you

I'm diving in a pool of puke
I'm fly fishing a stream of puss
That's how I feel when something separates us

I'm living in Bakersfield
I'm at a month long hip-hop festival
-"Instant Crassic" by NOFX

Jan 27, 2010

You're Bleeding

I forgot to take a shit
before I left for school.
I didn't need to at the time.
After my taco bell lunch,
different story...

I'm taking classes
on a part of campus
that I have never
had classes before.
So I had some difficulty
finding a bathroom nearby.

I walked around the hallway
and couldn't find one.
I went into the next hallway
still didn't see one.
I decided to go out of my way
to go where I knew
I would find releif.

I can see my goal...
I'm approaching...
A woman walks out
of the women's section.
I walk past her
w/o paying any attention
as I am highly focused
on reaching my destination.

A familiar voice calls my name.
Holy shitballs!
It's my ex.

I asked her how she's been
she said "ok..."
I didn't care to take the bait
and ask what was wrong.
That's someone else's job now.
We talked shortly
then went our ways.

She was probably
the most beautifull woman
I will ever date.
At least physically...

She could be a total bitch at times
and tried to claim ownership
over me
while expecting to date freely
Not that I didn't have faults
of my own...

Anyway, I was stoked
that of all the days
for a reunion,
she ran into me
when I looked like a fuckin' stud
(not to sound arrogant,
I'm usually not a cocky asshole)
but I don't always dress
as well as I did today.

I notice the difference
because I get a lot more
eye contact from girls
on the way to class
when I'm stylin'
and remember to shave.
I need to remember more often.

Today's song is dedicated to her.

You've got the beauty, but that don't mean a thing
A bland reciprocation, but it don't bother me
You're happier with lights on underneath a darkened sky
Only in the spotlight can you tell me of your crimes

I understand your situation, but I can't
Seem to understand the motivations you once had
I recall a message I once left behind a screen
I was entranced when you were never, never there for me

You're draining, you're draining me, I'm not a tub
What ever happened to the girl I used to hold?
I held in such a high regard
Where is the girl who had it all?

I used to think I wasn't worthy of your cause
I used to feel so lucky
Until the day I felt a weakness in my arms
I knew from where it had been coming

You're bleeding, you're bleeding me, I can recall
The passions you once had, where did they go?
I knew a girl who had it all?
I knew a girl where did she go?

- "You're Bleeding" from White Trash, Two Heebs and a Bean

Jan 26, 2010

All Outta Angst

Met a new face at work.
She's Pakistani,
or do you say Paki?
Pakiderm? just kidding...

What is it with my infatuation
with middle eastern women?

Not the strict Muslim ones though,
but the somewhat westernized variety

Western culture may have it's flaws,
but I'm not about to jump ship entirely.
I might like to leave this town...
but that's a discussion for another day

I wonder what a middle eastern father
would think of a pasty white fellow
like myself?
Not that she'll ever be more than a friend,
it's just funny to think of these things.

Ah well, fuck it!
Today's song is dedicated
to all the fine bitches
and all the fly hoes
(who says "fly" anymore?)
in Pakistan!

Jan 25, 2010

Puke on Cops

Today was the first day of my last semester.
I'm stoked!
Was on my way to one of my classes.
Riding my skateboard through the parking lot.
A cop pulls up behind me and honks his shit at me.
You know, the thing that isn't the siren
but it isn't the horn either.
Tells me over his PA to walk my skateboard...
while I'm on campus

What good is a skateboard
if it isn't moving my ass somewhere?
Also, I was in the middle of the parking lot!
If some preppy cardigan sweater wearing fuck face
can ride his bike to class
why the fuck can't I ride a skateboard?
I felt discriminated...

I turned around and showed that cop
what I was hiding...
as I said,
"Kiss my ass, pork chop!"

I took off on my board as they pursued.
I was able to ditch the squad-car
but those bastards sent the ghetto bird after me
Holy shit!
It looked like this...

As you can see, I was able to escape...
but my Splash-Mountain-esque getaway
was not as exciting as it appears on tape.
My adrenaline was pumping like crazy!
Somewhere along the chase
my stomach fell behind.
And now it 's catching up with me...

look at me now. full on the run.
i can't stop myself from crashing.
breaking grass, bumming a yard.
fixing stuff that was never broken.

pulling out all the stops.
I'm gonna puke on the cops!
i'm telling the kids, punk rocks.
i'm gonna puke on cops.

gimme a side of airplane noise
or half a glass of our resistance.
add a dash of disobedient
public nuisance, richtor riot.

pulling out all the stops.
I'm gonna puke on the cops!
i'm telling the kids, punk rocks.
I'm gonna puke on cops.

- "Puke on Cops" from 44 or 45 Songs...

Jan 24, 2010

Shut Up Already

My co-worker approached today.
Said I was making more work for her.
When I tried to explain she cut me off
and claimed that I was "yelling" at her.
Although I wasn't beaming sunshine from my ass,
I certainly didn't speak to her in any tone that could be confused as "yelling."
I felt like Adam Sandler's character in Anger Management...

I didn't know what else to say,
the bitch was hell-bent on
getting a rise out of me.
or maybe she's hyper-sensitive?
Either way, I turned around and told her
"You need to please shut the fuck up."
I mean I meant to say that,
but I have to remain PC
in a working enviornment
or else some hyper-sensitive pussy
would complain about my language...

So my first day of NOFX is dedicated to her.
Kickin' it off old school...

"Affection not dissection,
Meat is murder,
Animals are for petting."
Oh shut the fuck up already!

I'm tired of your whining,
About poor little animals dying,
And the food they are supplying.
Because if a big animal had the chance,
It wouldn't take another glance,
It would eat you up.

"Affection not dissection,
Meat is murder,
Animals are for petting."
Oh shut your trap already.

I don't want to listen,
And I'm tired of your bitchin,
About what's in my kitchen.
Because if a big animal had the chance,
It wouldn't take another glance,
It will eat you up.

- "Shut Up Already" from Liberal Animation

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