Cheese/Where's My Slice?

Ok,

this happened a few years ago

but I thought about it today...

I was working retail

for a major corporation.

I won't mention any names,

but it rhymes with CockBuster.

It was quite possibly

the worst job known to humankind.

Fuck,

that's being much too generous...

I'll just refer to it as

the "Blue and Gold Devil."

I'm sure you're thinking,

"Hey, movies! Cool! Right?"

Yeah, movies! Cool!

that part was awesome.

Dealing with the

dipshit dumbasses

that somehow manage

to eek out enough brain power

to drive themselves there...

different story.

As anyone who has worked

with the general public understands

some people are true winners.

Like this guy:

So I'm working at the video store

and we had just recently

raised the prices on a video game rental.

A "customoron" approaches

and sets a game on the counter.

I scan it and tell him the price.

He jumps back in aghast

(yeah, I threw an "aghast" in there

like old timey folk.),

flails his stubby limbs

and cries "What!?

Did the price go up or something?"

I reply,

"Yeah, they raised it about 50 cents."

He says,

"Well shouldn't they send me a letter

or have it posted in the newspaper

or something?"

I tell him, "Not as far as I know, sir."

to which he responds,

"Well why not, it's a free country isn't it?"

...

I am dumbfounded for a moment.

More than a moment.

How do you respond to such idiocy

without getting fired?

Eventually I said,

"Well it's your choice to rent the game or not."

He storms out the door saying

"Oh, I see, you're with THEM."

Apparently that extra 50 cents

was just too much for him.

I'm glad I no longer work retail.

Today's song is dedicated

to fucktards and assholes everywhere

who expect the world handed to them

on a shitty silver platter.

"It's been a long time
Now it's time to get your bubble burst
Things are bad enough in this world
Why do you have to make them worse?
Day after day, you just gotta get it

So sick and tired of your bitching and complaining
So long you've been oppressed while others lives are
gaining
Want reparations, you're needy and deserving
Can't understand why some are served while you're
doing the serving
Anything but responsibility

Where's my slice?
I want more than equal rights
I want everything for free!

You waste your time concerned with what others are
earning
You want a revolution to start the tables turning
A demonstration to make a better nation
We'll spend the day protesting all the problems that
we're facing
Anything but face reality
Where's my slice...

Your brilliant theory
how the world owes you a living
You'll take away from others
the things they should be giving
They own the pie and you want your share
Whoever told you life was fair?
You were dealt your hand - now play it

Where's my slice..."

-"Cheese/Where's My Slice?" from Ribbed

Hobophobic...

I was driving around

the other day

and I came across

a homeless guy.

At least, I assumed

that he was homeless...

He was standing

in the street

with a sign

asking for money.

Let's just call him

"guy on the street"

for the time being.

So I feel bad for

people on the street

but I have a rule

that I never

give them money.

However,

I tend to have

an abundance

of water bottles

in my car

at any given time.

(Perhaps I will explain

on another day.)

So this guy is standing

on the median

where I am sitting

at a red light

waiting to turn left.

He is right next

to my car

staring at me

doing his guilt trip thing

and it's working.

I lean over

and dig around

for a water bottle.

Except,

I can only find ones that

have been opened already.

Not wanting to tease

the poor guy,

I hand him

one of the bottles

with 3/4 of the water in it.

He reaches out for it,

but then he pauses

and says

"hey man,

I don't just take

anything.

I'm not homeless."

WHAT THE SHITTING FUCK?!

I guess I offended him.

Well, that's what he gets

for standing around

begging for money.

This song goes out

to all the

"people on the street."

Hobo,

I'm hobophobic, So what?
Scared of bums,
Not just because they stink bad
Not just because they're crackers
From drinking too much lysol

Let them be,
Just don't get fuckin' near me!
Scared of bums!

Infested

with microscopic bugs and
Endocrine systematic Doo Doo
Why don't they get a job?

Let them be,
Just don't get fuckin' near me!

-"Hobophobic" from Heavy Petting Zoo

Instant Crassic...

Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder.

Or something like that...

Well it's been about 10 months,

but I'm back!

I had expected to have

some 300 posts by now,

but shit happens.

I got caught up in some shenanigans

that prevented me from

reaching the blog-o-sphere.

Luckily I was able to escape...

I bet you didn't know

that I had such sick skills,

huh?

So let me catch you up

on everything that has happened

in the past 10 months-ish.

I graduated from college,

lost my job,

spent 3 weeks on unemployment,

got a new job w/o applying,

ok, that's a lie,

I applied back in February,

but they called me in September.

So technically,

I never had to search

for the 3 weeks

that I was unemployed.

Call it luck?

Call it karma?

(I put up with A LOT of bs

in my past 2 jobs.)

Either way,

for the first time

in a long time

I'm stoked.

I also know that

good things don't last.

So I'm going to enjoy this

while I can.

It's good to be back!

I'm swimming in a sea of pee
I'm hiking up a big mountain of poo
I feel like rolling in glass when I'm without you

I'm diving in a pool of puke
I'm fly fishing a stream of puss
That's how I feel when something separates us

I'm living in Bakersfield
I'm at a month long hip-hop festival

-"Instant Crassic" by NOFX

What Now, My Love?

You're Bleeding

I forgot to take a shit

before I left for school.

I didn't need to at the time.

After my taco bell lunch,

different story...

I'm taking classes

on a part of campus

that I have never

had classes before.

So I had some difficulty

finding a bathroom nearby.

I walked around the hallway

and couldn't find one.

I went into the next hallway

still didn't see one.

I decided to go out of my way

to go where I knew

I would find releif.

I can see my goal...

I'm approaching...

A woman walks out

of the women's section.

I walk past her

w/o paying any attention

as I am highly focused

on reaching my destination.

A familiar voice calls my name.

"John?"

Holy shitballs!

It's my ex.

I asked her how she's been

she said "ok..."

I didn't care to take the bait

and ask what was wrong.

That's someone else's job now.

We talked shortly

then went our ways.

She was probably

the most beautifull woman

I will ever date.

At least physically...

She could be a total bitch at times

and tried to claim ownership

over me

while expecting to date freely

herself.

Not that I didn't have faults

of my own...

Anyway, I was stoked

that of all the days

for a reunion,

she ran into me

when I looked like a fuckin' stud

(not to sound arrogant,

I'm usually not a cocky asshole)

but I don't always dress

as well as I did today.

I notice the difference

because I get a lot more

eye contact from girls

on the way to class

when I'm stylin'

and remember to shave.

I need to remember more often.

Today's song is dedicated to her.

You've got the beauty, but that don't mean a thing
A bland reciprocation, but it don't bother me
You're happier with lights on underneath a darkened sky
Only in the spotlight can you tell me of your crimes

I understand your situation, but I can't
Seem to understand the motivations you once had
I recall a message I once left behind a screen
I was entranced when you were never, never there for me

You're draining, you're draining me, I'm not a tub
What ever happened to the girl I used to hold?
I held in such a high regard
Where is the girl who had it all?

I used to think I wasn't worthy of your cause
I used to feel so lucky
Until the day I felt a weakness in my arms
I knew from where it had been coming

You're bleeding, you're bleeding me, I can recall
The passions you once had, where did they go?
I knew a girl who had it all?
I knew a girl where did she go?

- "You're Bleeding" from White Trash, Two Heebs and a Bean

All Outta Angst

Met a new face at work.

She's Pakistani,

or do you say Paki?

Pakiderm? just kidding...

What is it with my infatuation

with middle eastern women?

Not the strict Muslim ones though,

but the somewhat westernized variety

Western culture may have it's flaws,

but I'm not about to jump ship entirely.

I might like to leave this town...

but that's a discussion for another day

I wonder what a middle eastern father

would think of a pasty white fellow

like myself?

Not that she'll ever be more than a friend,

it's just funny to think of these things.

Ah well, fuck it!

Today's song is dedicated

to all the fine bitches

and all the fly hoes

(who says "fly" anymore?)

in Pakistan!

Puke on Cops

Today was the first day of my last semester.

I'm stoked!

Was on my way to one of my classes.

Riding my skateboard through the parking lot.

A cop pulls up behind me and honks his shit at me.

You know, the thing that isn't the siren

but it isn't the horn either.

Tells me over his PA to walk my skateboard...

while I'm on campus

WHAT THE FUCK!?!?

What good is a skateboard

if it isn't moving my ass somewhere?

Also, I was in the middle of the parking lot!

If some preppy cardigan sweater wearing fuck face

can ride his bike to class

why the fuck can't I ride a skateboard?

I felt discriminated...

I turned around and showed that cop

what I was hiding...

MY MIDDLE FINGER!

as I said,

"Kiss my ass, pork chop!"

I took off on my board as they pursued.

I was able to ditch the squad-car

but those bastards sent the ghetto bird after me

Holy shit!

It looked like this...

As you can see, I was able to escape...

but my Splash-Mountain-esque getaway

was not as exciting as it appears on tape.

My adrenaline was pumping like crazy!

Somewhere along the chase

my stomach fell behind.

And now it 's catching up with me...

look at me now. full on the run.

i can't stop myself from crashing.

breaking grass, bumming a yard.

fixing stuff that was never broken.

pulling out all the stops.

I'm gonna puke on the cops!

i'm telling the kids, punk rocks.

i'm gonna puke on cops.

gimme a side of airplane noise

or half a glass of our resistance.

add a dash of disobedient

public nuisance, richtor riot.

pulling out all the stops.

I'm gonna puke on the cops!

i'm telling the kids, punk rocks.

I'm gonna puke on cops.

- "Puke on Cops" from 44 or 45 Songs...

Shut Up Already

My co-worker approached today.

Said I was making more work for her.

When I tried to explain she cut me off

and claimed that I was "yelling" at her.

Although I wasn't beaming sunshine from my ass,

I certainly didn't speak to her in any tone that could be confused as "yelling."

I felt like Adam Sandler's character in Anger Management...

I didn't know what else to say,

the bitch was hell-bent on

getting a rise out of me.

or maybe she's hyper-sensitive?

Either way, I turned around and told her

"You need to please shut the fuck up."

I mean I meant to say that,

but I have to remain PC

in a working enviornment

or else some hyper-sensitive pussy

would complain about my language...

FUCKING-A!

So my first day of NOFX is dedicated to her.

Kickin' it off old school...

"Affection not dissection,

Meat is murder,

Animals are for petting."

Oh shut the fuck up already!

I'm tired of your whining,

About poor little animals dying,

And the food they are supplying.

Because if a big animal had the chance,

It wouldn't take another glance,

It would eat you up.

"Affection not dissection,

Meat is murder,

Animals are for petting."

Oh shut your trap already.

I don't want to listen,

And I'm tired of your bitchin,

About what's in my kitchen.

Because if a big animal had the chance,

It wouldn't take another glance,

It will eat you up.

- "Shut Up Already" from Liberal Animation